Anuptaphobia

A friend gets engaged, another posts a baby announcement, and someone at a family dinner asks, again, whether you’re seeing anyone. Later that night you can’t stop thinking: what if it never happens for me?

Anuptaphobia is a name sometimes used for the fear of being single when it becomes intense. Psychology Today It can mean fear of staying single, fear of never finding a partner, or, for people in a relationship, fear of ending up single again.

You won’t find anuptaphobia in diagnostic manuals, and we found no clinical studies on it under that name. That’s why we call it a rare or disputed term. Psychologists have, however, studied “fear of being single” as a personality trait, and that research tells us a fair amount about how the fear shapes choices.

What does fear of being single involve?

University of Toronto researchers led by Stephanie Spielmann looked at people’s thoughts about being single and built a questionnaire to measure the fear. PubMed: Spielmann et al., 2013

A summary of that work in Psychology Today by social psychologist Amie Gordon describes some common worries:

• missing out on long-term companionship
• never having a family or children
• growing old alone
• being judged by others for being single
• feeling worthless or bad about yourself

Those come from Psychology Today. Some of these are hopes most people share. The fear part comes in when the worry gets loud enough to drive decisions.

Does fear of being single change how people date?

The Toronto research suggests it can. Across a series of studies, the 2013 paper found that people with a stronger fear of being single:

• were more dependent on relationships they weren’t happy in
• were less likely to end a less satisfying relationship over time
• showed more romantic interest in people described as less responsive or less attractive
• were less selective at a speed-dating event

All of those findings come from PubMed: Spielmann et al., 2013. Interestingly, the fear wasn’t linked to lower stated standards for a partner. People said they wanted the same things as everyone else.

They often saw the problem clearly, too. When asked about a dating prospect who came across as a jerk, people who feared being single agreed the person didn’t seem nice, but still wanted to date them. University of Toronto

The researchers also found that men and women had similar levels of this fear, which goes against the stereotype that it’s mainly a women’s worry. University of Toronto

What about after a breakup?

A follow-up study tracked 117 people for a month after a breakup. On days when their fear of being single was stronger, they longed for their ex more and were more likely to try to get back together. Fear of being single also went up after a breakup, no matter who ended things. PubMed: Spielmann et al., 2016

So if you feel the fear spike after a relationship ends, that’s a common pattern, not a personal failing.

What can it feel like?

Here’s a made-up example. Imagine you’ve been dating someone for a year. You’re not happy, and your friends have noticed. Each time you think about ending it, you picture yourself at 50, alone at holiday gatherings. The picture is so upsetting that you push the thought away and stay. When the relationship eventually ends anyway, you feel a rush of panic and start texting your ex within a week.

Fear versus phobia

Wanting a partner is normal. Feeling sad or lonely while single is normal too, as is feeling pressure from family or friends.

The fear may be worth paying attention to when:

• it keeps you in relationships that make you unhappy
• you jump into new relationships mainly to avoid being alone
• the worry takes up a lot of your thinking and affects your mood
• you feel intense anxiety or panic about being single, not just sadness

Clinicians call fear a phobia when it’s much stronger than the situation calls for and leads to avoidance or a lot of distress. APA Dictionary of Psychology Fear of being single doesn’t fit neatly into that box, because singleness isn’t an object you can avoid. It often looks more like general anxiety, low self-worth, or relationship anxiety. Our fear versus phobia guide explains how these differ.

Why might it happen?

There are a few likely ingredients, though research hasn’t pinned down causes:

• Stigma. Studies from the early 2000s found people tended to describe married people in kinder terms than single people. Psychology Today
• Pressure from family, culture, or a sense of a “timeline.”
• Past loss or rejection.
• General anxiety. A history of anxiety in close relatives raises the risk of phobias and related problems. NIMH

Being single is also more common than many people assume. In 2019, about a third of US adults polled by Pew Research were single, and about half of them weren’t looking for a relationship. Psychology Today

If the hard part is dating itself, because you freeze up around people you find attractive, our page on venustraphobia, the fear of beautiful women, covers that feeling.

What can help?

If the fear is causing real distress, talking to a therapist can help. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a well-established treatment for anxiety, and it teaches new ways of thinking about and reacting to situations that make you anxious. NIMH For this fear, therapy might look at the beliefs behind it, such as “being single means something is wrong with me.”

Things you might try on your own:

• write down what you picture when you imagine being single, then ask whether that picture is likely
• build up friendships, hobbies, and routines that don’t depend on a partner
• before committing to someone, ask yourself whether you’d choose them if you weren’t afraid of being alone
• notice when family comments set off the worry, and plan a calm reply

Spielmann’s advice, quoted by the University of Toronto, was to question why you’re making the relationship choices you make and to focus on decisions that are truly in your best interest. University of Toronto

Helping someone who’s afraid of being single

If a friend keeps going back to a partner who treats them badly, lecturing rarely helps. Spend time with them, remind them what they bring to the people around them, and avoid “you’ll find someone soon” lines, which can add pressure. Family members can help most by dropping the questions about when someone will settle down. Our guide on supporting someone with a phobia has more ideas.

When to talk to a professional

If fear of being single is keeping you in an unhealthy or unsafe relationship, or affecting your mood, sleep, or work, talk to a therapist or doctor. If you’re in a relationship where you feel unsafe, reach out for support right away. Our find help page lists where to start. If your fear is closer to the opposite, a fear of falling in love, read our page on philophobia.